What is bisexuality? What is sex?
» Advice & Psychology
A bisexual male masochist with very simple notions of sexual identity and sexual activity writes an advice column for help:
Q: I’m hetero and 40-ish but recently I’ve had an overwhelming desire to be caned by another man. I don’t want sex with him; I love my wife. What should I do?
Part of Dr Thomas Stuttaford’s response:
It may be that, if you were with another man, and he asked you to strip before he caned you, you would run a mile. Even so, not many doctors would accept that someone who conjured up such a strongly held fantasy — you say that it is “overwhelming” — wasn’t masochistic and also had homosexual or bisexual tendencies. Even though they wouldn’t believe your plea that you were straight, it may reassure you to know that they wouldn’t necessarily question it, and they certainly wouldn’t give a damn about these relatively common sexual tastes, provided that your partner was always willing.
Part of Suzi Godson’s:
Marriage, like the administration of corporal punishment, is based on trust. When you break that trust you cross a boundary and nothing is ever the same again. Secrets and lies alter the chemistry that connects two people and even if your wife were to remain unaware of your actions, your own unease about what you are up to would create sufficient tension to negatively affect your relationship.
Don’t kid yourself that your wife won’t feel hurt because you aren’t actually having sex. She will, particularly if your fantasy is already a fait accompli. If you do love her, you must tell her the truth. Women are, by nature, very sympathetic, and she might, like Grayson Perry’s wife, decide to support you while you explore your fetish. But she might not — and you must accept that.
